ezu!
this is basically just a giant archive of my brain at this point. i made this because i kept having thoughts that felt too personal for social media but too important to just let disappear forever, so now they all live here instead. i like collecting fragments of myself. this site is kind of like a scrapbook except instead of ticket stubs and photographs it's mostly identity crises and hyperfixations stacked on top of each other. enjoy!
sometimes i think ive been me all day and then i try to remember anything that happened and then i realize i haven’t been me all day.
| name | ezu |
| age | guess |
| from | guess |
| pronouns | she it |
| loves | guess |
| hates | guess |
i don't really know how to summarize myself in a clean or coherent way because i feel like i'm made out of a thousand tiny things stacked together unevenly. most of the time i feel less like a single clearly defined person and more like a constantly updating collection of interests, emotions, memories, and contradictions trying to coexist in the same body.
i spend a lot of time thinking about identity and perception and the weird invisible performance everyone does around each other constantly. like how nobody is ever really the exact same person with everyone they know. i think i'm especially aware of that because i feel like different parts of me become more "real" depending on context. sometimes i feel very grounded and stable in myself and other times i feel like i'm made out of layers that shift around depending on who i'm talking to or what kind of environment i'm in. not in a fake way though. more like those layers were always there and different situations just pull different things to the surface.
i also think way too much about the line between admiration and attraction and wanting to become something instead of wanting something. i genuinely cannot tell where one emotion ends and another begins half the time. like do i want to look like that person or do i want to be perceived by them or do i just think their existence is aesthetically beautiful in a way my brain latches onto? who knows! not me apparently! sometimes i feel like my brain processes people the same way it processes art. certain aesthetics or vibes just hit something internally and i become obsessed with trying to understand why.
most of my hobbies involve either creating things or analyzing things until i accidentally strip them apart molecule by molecule. i draw a lot even though i procrastinate actually finishing pieces constantly. i love character design because i think visual design says so much about how people conceptualize identity and personality. i also really love language learning because languages feel like different ways of organizing reality itself. like there are emotions and concepts that become easier or harder to express depending on the language you're using and i think that's fascinating. sometimes i'll learn a single word and spend hours thinking about how human beings collectively decided that specific feeling needed a name.
also i spend an embarrassing amount of time consuming media and then immediately analyzing every character involved. especially dynamics where identity or perception gets blurred somehow. i think that's part of why i end up thinking so much about my own identity too. fiction genuinely affects the way i conceptualize myself and other people. sometimes i worry that i overcomplicate myself on purpose because i like analyzing things too much. but at the same time i don't think people are actually simple at all. i think everyone is full of contradictions and context-dependent emotions and thoughts they don't know how to explain properly. i think most people just don't talk about it openly because it sounds weird when you say it out loud. which is fair honestly because half the things i think sound fake until i type them somewhere and realize "oh wait no that's actually a real thought i have all the time."
i think i'm still trying to figure out who i even am most of the time. not in a sad way necessarily. more like an ongoing investigation.
i'm mostly active on discord but i post / doomscroll on twitter too
diary entries
sometimes i feel like who i am changes depending on the situation and who i'm around. not in a fake way, more like different pieces of me become louder or quieter depending on context. i don't know if that's normal or if everyone experiences identity like this but never talks about it.
i think people want identity to be neat and easily categorized but it feels more like a constantly moving thing. like trying to hold water in your hands.
things about me
sometimes i genuinely cannot process the fact that everyone around me is a real person with an internal life as detailed and complicated as mine. like i'll just be sitting somewhere normal and suddenly it hits me that every random person i can see has memories attached to specific songs and private fears and people they miss and opinions they've never said out loud and tiny routines they repeat every day without thinking about it. every person has probably had at least one moment in their life where they felt completely destroyed emotionally and thought they would never recover from it. every person has looked at the ceiling at 3am thinking about something nobody else knows bothers them. and i know that's an incredibly basic realization technically but sometimes it hits me so hard that i feel physically disconnected from reality for a second.
i think about perception a lot too. like the horrifying fact that i'll never actually know how i'm perceived from the outside. every version of me that exists in someone else's head is slightly different and i have literally zero control over most of it. to one person i'm probably quiet and awkward. to another i'm funny. to someone else i'm forgettable. there are probably people who remember me for things i've completely forgotten saying. there are probably people who misunderstand me entirely and built a version of me in their head that barely resembles who i actually am.
i've mentioned this a few times on this site, but sometimes i wonder if identity is even "real" in the stable permanent sense people talk about it. because the more i think about myself the more i feel like i'm made out of reactions and context and memory and performance layered together until it creates the illusion of consistency. but then again maybe that's what a person is. maybe people aren't supposed to be fixed things. maybe consciousness is just a constant process of reconstructing yourself over and over based on new experiences and relationships and environments.
also existence itself feels fake sometimes in a way i can't explain properly. not fake in a depressing way necessarily. more like surreal. like how are we all just casually alive right now. how did consciousness happen at all. why does music affect human beings so deeply. why do certain smells unlock memories instantly. why does loneliness physically hurt. why do people create art about emotions other people have felt for centuries and somehow it still feels personal every single time. human beings are so strange. everything about existence is strange.
think about time constantly too and it actually makes me feel sick if i think too hard about it. every moment disappears immediately after it happens forever. entire years of people's lives eventually get compressed into memories. there are days that felt unbearably important while they were happening that i now barely remember. there are conversations i forgot completely that probably permanently altered the direction of my life without me realizing it. sometimes i try to remember what being younger felt like and i genuinely can't fully reconstruct it. i can remember [some] events but not the actual texture of being that person mentally. it's kind of scary, actually.
sometimes i wonder if i'm too self-aware for my own good. like maybe humans aren't supposed to think about themselves this much. maybe consciousness accidentally evolved too far and now we all just spend our lives analyzing ourselves and each other endlessly trying to construct meaning out of randomness. but then again maybe that's the point. maybe meaning isn't something hidden somewhere waiting to be discovered. maybe meaning is just the act of caring about things despite the absurdity of existence itself.
which sounds incredibly dramatic when i type it out but unfortunately i do think like this sometimes so here we are.
okay this is probably going to sound insane but i genuinely need to know if anyone else experiences this because it has been haunting me for months now. whenever i imagine myself in a relationship with someone, my own gender presentation in that imagined relationship changes automatically depending on the other person involved. and not in a conscious "oh i'm choosing this role" way either. it happens instantly before i even think about it.
like if i see a pretty girl my brain immediately frames the scenario as "what if i was her girlfriend." not boyfriend. never boyfriend in that situation. girlfriend specifically. and the thing is it feels natural? comfortable even? like my brain slots me into that role automatically and i don't question it at all in the moment. but then the exact same thing happens with guys except suddenly i'm imagining myself as a boyfriend instead and that also feels equally natural and comfortable. my internal sense of self literally changes relationally depending on who i'm imagining myself with.
and before anyone says "oh maybe that's just normal attraction" no, because that's the thing!!! sometimes it isn't even attraction in a straightforward way. half the time it's more like aesthetic fascination or emotional projection or me wanting to exist within a certain dynamic because it feels narratively correct in my brain. sometimes i'll see a really pretty girl and think "wow i want to be her girlfriend" but not even because i actively want to date her. it's more like my brain likes the emotional shape (?) of that scenario. same with guys. i don't know how else to explain it without sounding completely detached from reality.
i genuinely don't know if this is some kind of weird fluid gender thing or if i've just consumed so much yuri and yaoi content that my brain permanently fused identity with relational dynamics. because that's another thing!!! my gender feelings seem weirdly contextual in general. like certain ways of being perceived feel correct only in specific situations. i don't really experience gender as one static thing constantly. it feels more reactive than that.
and the worst part is nobody else around me understands what i mean sob most of the others in my head are romance repulsed so they're already looking at me like i'm conducting forbidden psychological experiments every time i bring this up. and the two other people who do experience romantic attraction don't relate either. they're both just like "yeah i only ever imagine myself one way in relationships" meanwhile i'm over here shape-shifting psychologically depending on who i'm looking at apparently.
like genuinely am i making sense or have i finally crossed into incomprehensible internet user territory. because this feels very real internally but every time i try to explain it out loud it sounds fake. i think part of the problem is that language around attraction and gender assumes everything is way more stable and clearly separated than what i actually experience. people talk like attraction, identity, admiration, projection, self-perception, etc. are all distinct categories but in my brain they blur together constantly.
also i think aesthetics complicate everything for me. because sometimes i don't know if i want to be something or if i want to be seen as something or if i just emotionally resonate with the idea of occupying a certain role. like i love the concept of "girlfriends" aesthetically. but i also love the concept of "boyfriends" aesthetically. and somehow my brain automatically places me inside whichever category matches the person i'm imagining myself with instead of treating my own identity as separate and fixed beforehand.
maybe identity just works differently for me. or maybe this is actually more common than i think and nobody talks about it because it sounds too oddly specific when phrased directly. either way i'm documenting it here because if i don't write these thoughts down they just circle around in my head forever.
some of my art :3
i love how certain emotions exist more clearly in some languages than others. i love how learning a language changes the way your thoughts are organized...
| word | reading | meaning |
|---|---|---|
| sonder | son-der | realizing everyone has a life as vivid as yours |
| 木漏れ日 | komorebi | sunlight filtering through trees |